Are you ready to embrace the dark side of humor? Brace yourself for an onslaught of oh-so-terrible puns that will leave you groaning and rolling your eyes. Puns are a form of wordplay that relies on double meanings, homophones, or similar-sounding words to create humor. And while some puns are clever and witty, others are just plain horrible.
Prepare yourself for a world of puny pain as we count down some of the most terrible puns known to man. Whether you’re a pun master, a dad joke enthusiast, or just someone who enjoys a good groan, this article is sure to leave you in stitches (or rolling on the floor with secondhand embarrassment).
What Are Horrible Puns?
Horrible puns (also known as “groaners”) are puns that are so bad that they induce groans, eye-rolls, and facepalms from their victims. These puns often rely on overly obvious wordplay, uncomfortable homophones, or absurd connections between unrelated things. While some people find them hilarious, others consider them the lowest form of humor.
Despite their terrible reputation, horrible puns have been around for centuries. Ancient Egyptians, for example, carved puns into their hieroglyphics, and Shakespeare himself was known to indulge in a bit of punning now and then. Today, horrible puns can be found everywhere from social media to greeting cards.
Best Short Horrible Puns
- I’m reading a book on anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
- I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
- A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it’s two-tired.
- Did you hear about the kidnapping at the playground? They woke up.
- Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a car crash? He’s all right now.
- I’m on a whiskey diet, I’ve lost three days already.
- Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they lactose.
- I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but it’s really hard to find good players.
- I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn’t like it.
- I’m reading a book on the history of glue. I just can’t seem to put it down.
- Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
- The easiest option is always divisible by zero.
- I have a photographic memory but I’ve always had trouble with group shots.
- I’m allergic to peanuts, but I’m willing to gamble.
- I just wrote a book about reverse psychology. Don’t read it.
- I’m dreaming of a white Christmas…but if the white runs out, I’ll drink the red.
- I used to play piano by ear but now I use my hands.
- What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener.
- What do you call a computer that can sing? A Dell.
- What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? “Supplies!”
- What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.
- I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
- The rotation of earth really makes my day.
- I’m a huge fan of whiteboards. I find them quite re-markable.
- Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay they’d be bagels.
Horrible Oneliner Puns
- The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this.
- I’m not arguing, I’m just exploring the universe of possibilities.
- I wasn’t going to visit my family this December, but then I realized…it’s just nutmeg.
- I’m addicted to brake fluid, but I can stop anytime.
- If a clock falls on your head, it’s time to seek medical attention.
- I met my wife at a clumsy man convention. She was the only one standing alone.
- The king of all fruits is the pineapple. It has a crown and is sweet on the inside.
- The greatest invention of all time is the wheel. It’s wheel-y valuable.
- I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
- I was going to tell a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t like it.
- I wanted to grow herbs, but I couldn’t find the thyme.
- Never trust atoms. They make up everything.
- I have a fear of speed bumps, but I’m slowly getting over it.
- Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.
- I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.
- Old chemists never die, they just stop reacting.
- The shovel was a groundbreaking invention.
- I’m reading a book on gravity. It’s a real page-turner.
- I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
- I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough.
- A plateau is the highest form of flattery.
- The future, the present, and the past walked into a bar. It was tense.
- I’ve been learning sign language, it’s pretty handy.
Funny Puns for Horrible Joke-Lovers
- Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing.
- I was going to make a joke about pizza, but it’s a little cheesy.
- A horse walked into a bar and the bartender said, “Why the long face?” The horse replied, “My wife left me.”
- I’m reading a book on how to get six-pack abs. It’s called a fridge.
- I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
- The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
- Why do we tell actors to break a leg? Because every play has a cast.
- A termite walks into a bar and asks, “Is the bar tender here?”
- Did you hear about the kidnapping at the playground? They woke up.
- I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.
- Why did the orange stop in the middle of the road? It ran out of juice.
- I’m a big believer in the power of positive drinking.
- I have a photographic memory, but I always forget to charge the battery.
- Why did the bubblegum cross the road? It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
- I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with but I’ve been tripping all day.
- Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl use the bathroom? Because the pee is silent.
- Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
- I used to have a job crushing cans, but it was soda pressing.
- To the guy who invented the knock-knock joke: Nobel Prize, please.
- I wish I was a little bit taller. I wish I was a baller. I wish I had a girl… who looked good, I would call her.
Horrible Puns for Kids
- Why did the cookie go to the doctor? Because he was feeling crummy.
- Did you hear about the kidnapping at the playground? They woke up.
- What did the grape say when it was stepped on? Nothing. It just let out a little wine.
- Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide.
- Why did the duck cross the road? To prove he wasn’t a chicken.
- Why did the peanut go to the doctor? Because it was feeling a little nutty.
- Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn’t peeling well.
- Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing.
- How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogey in it.
- What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.
- Why did the robot go on a diet? Because he had too many mega-bytes.
- Why did the bike fall over? Because it was two-tired.
- Why did the cow go to outer space? To see the moooon.
- Why did the lion break up with his girlfriend? She was a cheetah.
- Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
- Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts.
- Why did the potato cross the road? To get to the mash.
- What do you call a bear with no ears? B.
- Why did the teddy bear say no to dessert? Because he was already stuffed.
- What did one toilet say to the other toilet? You look a little flushed.
- What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
- What’s green and can jump really high? A grasshopper.
- Why did the birdie go to the hospital? To get a tweetment.
- What’s pink and fluffy? Pink fluff.
- What do you call a pile of cats? A meowtain.
Horrible Puns in Movies
Puns have been an integral part of movies for years, and filmmakers often rely on them to create laughs and memorable moments. Here are some of the most iconic, horrible puns in movie history:
- “I’ll be back” – The Terminator (1984)
- “Nobody puts Baby in a corner” – Dirty Dancing (1987)
- “Do or do not, there is no try” – Yoda, Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back (1980)
- “Here’s looking at you, kid” – Casablanca (1942)
- “Life is like a box of chocolates; you never know what you’re gonna get” – Forrest Gump (1994)
- “I feel the need… the need for speed.” – Top Gun (1986)
- “You’re gonna need a bigger boat” – Jaws (1975)
- “It’s not the years, honey, it’s the mileage” – Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)
- “Say hello to my little friend” – Scarface (1983)
- “I’m king of the world!” – Titanic (1997)
- “You had me at hello” – Jerry Maguire (1996)
- “All right, all right, all right” – Dazed and Confused (1993)
- “I’m not bad, I’m just drawn that way” – Who Framed Roger Rabbit (1988)
- “It’s showtime” – Beetlejuice (1988)
- “I’ll have what she’s having” – When Harry Met Sally (1989)
- “I’ll make him an offer he can’t refuse” – The Godfather (1972)
- “May the Force be with you” – Star Wars (1977)
- “I’m walking here!” – Midnight Cowboy (1969)
- “The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk about Fight Club” – Fight Club (1999)
Key Takeaways
Horrible puns may not be for everyone, but for those who love them, they bring endless joy and laughter. From short one-liners to classic movie moments, puns are a timeless form of humor that never fails to amuse. So the next time you’re looking for a bad joke to tell, try out one of these groan-worthy puns and see if you can get a laugh (or a groan) out of your friends.
Horrible puns may be terrible, but they’re also hilarious. Don’t be afraid to embrace your groan-worthy sense of humor and share some of these puns with the people around you. Who knows, you might just be the life of the party (or the puniest person in the room).
